


I'd ruin my own life just for nothing

by elliot_cant_write



Category: Dublin Murder Squad Series - Tana French
Genre: takes place in the future, this, was not what i intended to write but you know what let's just let it happen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-09-19
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:20:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26538733
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elliot_cant_write/pseuds/elliot_cant_write
Summary: Julia's leaving. Everything's different but it's sort of the same too.
Relationships: Holly Mackey/Julia Harte (past)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 1





	I'd ruin my own life just for nothing

_i’m out front ___

___julia ____ _

_____???? ____ _ _ _

_______ffs you were the one who begged me to pick you up ____ _ _ _ _ _

_________(...) ____ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

__________The car door abruptly swung open before Holly could finish a long text about how _i could just leave you know i promise i have better things to do with my friday _and Julia slammed both herself and a suitcase down in the passenger seat. “Stop blowing up my phone.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Holly’s fingers twitched on the steering wheel. “You were late. I thought you forgot.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Her responding eye-roll was five parts too dramatic to mean anything. “You missed me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“No I didn’t.” Holly switched the car out of park and pressed on the gas a little bit too hard and the car jolted forward._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Don’t hit my mom’s mailbox; she’ll just be after you even more than she’s already going to be.” Julia complained as she reached across and pulled on her seatbelt, only to adjust it in a way that Holly had complained about constantly since she got her license but which Julia refused to change because apparently it was more comfortable._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“So you didn’t tell them then?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Holly didn’t have to look at Julia to know what face she was making. “Fuck no. They’ll be so overly dramatic about it. Somebody will cry. Someone else will attempt to talk me out of it for the hundredth time and be shocked when my thoughts haven’t changed. But no. Everyone but you thinks I’m leaving next week.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Including Selena?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She didn’t answer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“That’s shitty.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She still didn’t answer._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Julia. I can stop right now and drive us both home.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________That finally got an answer back. “But you won’t.” Julia blew the strands of hair that had escaped her braids out of her eyes. “Did you honest to God think I was going to tell her? Her parents let her pick up the phone like once a week. I wasn’t going to fuck that up when she’s probably not going to want to talk to me anymore anyway.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“And you think it will be better if she finds out after the fact?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Julia shrugged. “I won’t be around to deal with it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Holly pulled out onto the main road and sped up, maybe a bit too much. “That’s shitty too.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Jesus, Holly. We’re not all attached at the hip anymore. I talk to Selena once a week and you hardly more. I can’t even remember the last time I saw her in person. Me going international for school is hardly going to impact either of you that much.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Holly’s eyes burned, although she hadn’t cried in ages and had no plans right now. “It’s the fucking principle. You know Selena is having a hard time without being able to see Becca anymore; I fail to see how you ditching her is going to help anyone. And that includes you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Julia flipped on the radio and turned it to something loud and pounding that just added to the headache that had been building behind Holly’s eyes ever since she had gotten into the car. “What are you going on about now?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________“Why do you care so much? Like, would it kill you to just let your family and friends say goodbye before you go off to school? Would it kill you to just let one fucking thing happen the way it’s supposed to without purposely trying to make it blow up in your face?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She turned up the volume some more, probably just to irritate Holly, because Julia had always been impossible when she heard something she didn’t like, and even worse when she knew it was right. “You’re still being completely incomprehensible.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Holly switched off the radio, even though the silence sort of made things worse. “You’re intentionally missing the point. You’re trying to make all of us mad at you to make up for the fact that we’re not all going to be together anymore.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________Julia laughed. “I think you’ve finally lost it, Holls. I know you’ve dedicated your whole life to shit that happened when we were actual fucking children, but that doesn’t mean I have.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________She wasn’t going to react. Julia wanted her to react, but she wasn’t going to give her the satisfaction even if it killed her. Holly took a slow, deep breath. They were almost there. She’d be fine. “I know you’re just saying that because you’re upset. I get it, but I’d prefer to have a civil conversation since this is probably the last time we’ll be together for awhile.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

____________It took a second for Julia to answer, and when Holly glanced over at her, she seemed deep in thought. Probably because she realised that it was her choice whether this was going to turn into a huge fight or not. But then she looked up and ten million tons of weight lifted off of Holly. “No, fuck, you’re right. And it’s nice, really, that Becca still has someone looking out for her. I’m glad that you are. I just. I _can’t _.”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Holly was so relieved that she almost felt dizzy. “And I wouldn’t want you to. I just don’t get why you need to be so, I don’t know, harsh about it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Julia shook her head. “I just couldn’t deal with making her upset again. I don’t care if it makes me a shit person, I just didn’t want to deal with any of this anymore. Maybe you’re right, maybe I did want to make the break easier, maybe I want everyone to ditch me, I don’t know.” She sank down in her seat. “Wow, Holly. Way to be a downer. Now I’m just sad.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Yeah, sorry to ruin your grand escape plan with - oh for fuck’s sake.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Julia abruptly sat up. “What?” Holly gestured in front of them and she swore too. “God, what now?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Holly stretched her neck to try to see the front of the giant line of cars stopped in front of them. “I can’t see anything. When’s your flight?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“In an hour.” Julia had pushed her palms up against her eyes. “Is this the universe punishing me for being a bad person? Do you think if I called Selena they’d all disappear? Maybe I should walk. Would you let me walk?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Calm down, I can’t imagine the traffic will last that long. Also, no. I wouldn’t let you walk.” Holly kept squinting to try to see what was happening. “I bet someone got a flat tire and can’t get off; it’ll be cleared out in a minute.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________They both were quiet for a few minutes, the occasional sound of somebody who apparently couldn’t read the room blaring their horn the only noise. “Can I turn the radio back on?” Julia eventually asked. “This is boring.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Holly didn’t want to think too hard about how quickly they ran from being at one another’s throat to being totally comfortable. Didn’t want to think about how they knew one another so well that they could run through everything at a hundred miles per hour because they’d done it all enough times to do so without thinking. Still. “Yeah, go ahead.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Julia turned it back on, setting it to a normal volume this time although still on the same steady beat. She settled back in her seat, looking like she was thinking about something._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Holly figured there was no reason to look at the road, so she looked at Julia instead. “What?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“How much do you think about what would have happened if, you know. If everything was normal.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Not going to read into it. “Constantly.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Me too. Do you think-” She trailed off but Holly knew that they were both thinking of the same thing. “You should go on a date sometime.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Holly nearly took her foot off the brake. Jesus Christ. “What the fuck?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“No, wait, shit. Pretend I didn’t say that.” Julia said hurriedly, much too casual considering that Holly was about to suffocate in the driver’s seat. “Fuck, Holly. I meant, you know that one time I kissed you and you locked yourself in a public restroom?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Holly wanted to disappear. Or die. Maybe both. “We were seventeen. And we said we were never going to talk about that ever again.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Julia waved a hand. “We were both thinking about it. But that’s like my fucking point, you know? You’re in law school. I’m going to school in fucking Italy. Not to be a dick or whatever, but do you have friends? Like, outside of Selena and I and Becca?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I don’t see how -”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Julia cut her off. “Yeah, you wouldn’t. But like, oh my God stop being so hung up on stuff, you know? You’re nice and smart and cute and shit, get some friends or a boyfriend or a girlfriend or something. I don’t care. But like, if I come home at the end of the semester and you’re still just going between studying and reading about Becca’s case and calling Selena and trying to bribe her parents into letting you two hang out and coming to pick me up because I can’t drive but like going places, I’m going to fucking lose it.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“We’re off to a bad start considering you’re making me drive you to the airport.” Holly said drily. “And I’m fine. I go to study group with people who are neither you or Selena. I assure you, you don’t need to be in Italy worrying about my social life.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Julia nodded like she was considering what Holly had said. Holly sort of wanted to push her out of the car. “That’s a good start.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Thanks.” Holly paused for a second. “Wait, did you say that you kissed me? That’s not what happened. I kissed you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I thought we weren’t talking about this.” Julia said just a touch too quickly. “And it’s not about who kissed who, it’s about the fact that I’m pretty sure you haven’t kissed anyone else since and I have a problem with that.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Stop talking about my personal life.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Hey,” She reached out to poke Holly’s arm. “I’m just trying to fulfil the next few months’s bothering-Holly-quota. It’s important. Wait, fuck, are the cars moving?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Holly turned back towards the road so quickly it hurt her neck. “Holy fuck, they are.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________They both reacted with a bit more excitement than it was probably worth._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________With the traffic moving again, it only took ten minutes before Holly was pulling - too quickly, she really needed to work on that - into the airport parking lot._ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“You’re sure you don’t want to call your parents?” Holly asked quietly as they pulled into an empty parking space. “I could help you explain. I’m sure they wouldn’t be upset.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“No,” Julia took a deep breath. “I know it’s a dick move, but I’m doing this. Tell Lena I’m sorry?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“Of course.” Julia got out of the car and yanked her suitcase out behind her. Holly, unncesessarily and ridiculously, got out too. “C’mere.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Julia wrinkled up her nose. “Holly.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________“I’m helping you sneak off to Italy. You can hug me.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

______________Julia sighed dramatically, but she was smiling and she let Holly hug her and Holly’s eyes burned again because she was so _familiar _even though they weren’t as attached and even though they didn’t see one another as often and even though Julia was leaving. “I love you, okay?”___ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“That’s disgusting.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Fine. I hate you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I’ll miss you.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“You’re literally dead to me. Call me when you land?”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“Yeah, okay. Don’t forget what I said about getting a date and/or friends.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________“I take it back. Never call me again.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Julia pulled away. “Maybe I love you too, Holly.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

________________Holly sort of smiled. “Whatever.”_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> deadass this was supposed to be something COMPLETELY different but it's fine.  
> I feel like Holly and Julia had a really dramatic relationship post-TSP but this really isn't about that.  
> I hope this is comprehensible bc wow I can't tell but also if I didn't finish this now I probably never would have.  
> tumblr is @lesbianelizabethfrankenstein if you want to be friends <3  
> oh also title is from drive by pale waves and i promise its not from that bc they;re in a car lmao. i've just been super into this song lately.  
> edit: half my italics won't show up. i'll fix them later. sorry!!!


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